I've noticed in recent years that I do this strange, self-sabotage thing in my friendships. When they are real and deep and good (everything I want!), I find myself withdrawing from them. It's not a conscious decision, and I typically don't even notice it until weeks or even months have gone by and I haven't bothered to contact whichever friend it happens to be at that time.
Take as an example my friends D & G (I don't have their permission to write about them, so I'll stick with initials). D and I went to college together, and we were incredibly good friends. He was a year behind me, but we ended up spending a lot of time together because we shared a major (Bible & Religion) and because we were in the same musical group, The Refreshment Company. We'd hang out and talk, laugh insanely, and play music. We took a Ballroom Dance class together (which is HILARIOUS if you know how awkward I am). We won the talent show one year with a pretty smashing piano/violin duet called "La Folia." (Seriously, it's an amazing piece....see here for an example that's not us). Even after graduation and I had moved back from Honduras, D and I kept in touch. When he was in seminary in Atlanta, I went to visit him. When I lived in Wheaton and in Montana, he came to visit me. His friendship was always that comfortable t-shirt that ALWAYS feels like home.
D told me all about G when he met her. She was perfect for him, and I prayed from the beginning that they would marry. Well...they did! They now have two beautiful boys - a perfect little clan of incredible people. I've gotten to know G better over the times we've been able to spend together, and she's a gorgeous soul. But, for most of the past decade, D and G lived in Virginia...hours away from me and Jim. We were able to visit a few times here and there, but nothing too consistent.
Then, last summer, D and G moved to a town only 40 minutes away. Forty minutes! Jim and I helped them move in to their house, and we visited over several weekends. But then, it's been so easy to just let it slide...to let time pass without making the effort to reach out to them and continue to hang out. Why????
Why do I do that? They are the types of friends that I love dearly - we can laugh and the silliest, junior-high-boy kind of humor; we can talk about our deep struggles and doubts; we play board games; we watch movies. I love them. I truly do. So, why do I find myself going weeks and months without reaching out, even just a Facebook message to say hey?! It's sad, too, that it actually takes those weeks and even months for me to even notice what I'm doing!
And D and G aren't the only ones! I do it with my best girlfriends here from the barn - I do it with my longtime sweet friend Koryn - I do it with my other college friends (especially Jules, who is also good friends with D and G). I've almost completely lost touch with other friends who, when we were spending all our time together, felt like they were a very part of my heart and soul. And yet, we don't speak now.
I only have myself to blame if I feel isolated and alone. The sabotage I craft for myself is sneaky, silent, and able to grab my heart before I know it's even around.
I don't have answers. I'm not even sure why I started writing about this today, and it feels weird to leave it hanging there with so much unresolved. I'll let you know if I figure it out...but don't hold your breath!
I've felt that way so many times. I think we just have that solid tendency to feel like everything... including every worthwhile relationship is our responsibility to carry... And when we make it a burden, we kind of just "want" to keep it that way because that's what we think we deserve... then it just creates more of a barricade so that it becomes more and more of an effort to get through (whether we're conscious of it or not). The good news is that we real friends that are truly linked to your heart don't need the constant effort and communication to stay linked! It's such a gift not having to worry about losing dear friends! We hadn't seen each other in HOW many years when you were totally amazing and came to visit me like no time had passed at all?? I think we can't expect to express every ounce of our love for as many hours of the day/week/month/year(s) as we want and think we need to. The good friends are just always there when we can. Maybe it becomes self-sabotage when really it just starts with needing to trust?
ReplyDeleteSo there you go bringing up trust! :D I think you're right. I think the honest-to-God, real friendships just pick up naturally despite the need to cross time or distance.
DeleteYour reply also made me think of my almost incessant need to perform. I'm a performer by nature, and it forms the basis of my relationships if I'm not careful. I basically say to myself, "If I act this way or do such-and-such, then so-and-so will love me." If I fail in any way, then "so-and-so" may not love me so much anymore. So, when I feel like it's been FOREVER since I made contact with my friends, I see it as "failing to perform properly." That, of course, completely eliminates any need for trust, because the whole dang relationship rests on my shoulders alone. You're right...that's the tendency - well, almost the NEED - I feel in every relationship.
You're so smart. ;)