I just got off the phone with one of my dearest friends. She lives all the way across the country in Oregon, but talking with her is always easy...it's just one of "those" friendships, you know? She called because she just got the horse of her dreams...for free. This isn't one of those "gift horse," things where the horse is all broken down, one-eyed, and lame. It also isn't one of those things where everyone kind of smirks and says, "Oh, she'll find out that there's no such thing as a free horse." Believe me, if anyone in the world knows that, it's Stacie.
She called me while hand grazing her new mare - who has the lovely name, Nadia - trying to overcome a moment of panic and anxiety that she doesn't really deserve something this wonderful to happen to her. If you know me, you know now why Stacie called me. I struggle with this deeply on an almost daily basis.
My background tells me that I receive good things (conceivably, I receive God's blessing) as reward for the good I've done or for the bad I've managed to avoid. So, when good things happen to me, sure, I'm happy, but I'm also desperately afraid that they will be taken away from me with the same capricious nature with which they were given. Thinking of the good in life as "a reward" makes for enormous amounts of pressure to perform...continually. Be the best student, be the best Christian, be the best piano player, be the best actress, be the best horseback rider, be the best teacher, be the best fill-in-the-blank with ANYTHING out of my life and it would mimic the voice that whispers at me from the base of my skull. Then, when good happens, it just ups the ante that much more. Every challenge, then, (test, piano recital, theater performance, report card) becomes a possibility that I may fail...and my carefully constructed ruse will fall apart and everyone will see that I'm just a sham, that it's all been an act, that I'm really not worth all the good that has happened.
I know now - after years of struggle, therapy, life, and contemplation - that the above paragraph breaks the heart of a loving, giving God. He doesn't tantalize us with good things to get us to walk a tight rope into His good favors. He doesn't dangle carrots...He doesn't play with our hearts. He simply loves us beyond anything we can ask or imagine.
That means that the good stuff in life is simply confirmation of that love...confirmation that we are healthy, spending our energy on the things that matter - our hearts, the hearts of others. The good stuff should be encouraging, invigorating and downright exciting! It isn't about pressure...it's about release! Think of it in horse training terms - we use the release to show the horse that he's on the right track, that he's thinking with us, that he's partnering with us in this wonderful dance. The good in life is our "release"- it's our partnership with God working itself out on this earth.
It's fitting that Stacie and I ended our conversation with a few tears - mixed with sadness and joy. It would be amazing to be standing there with her while she hand-grazed her new, magical white pony. But, in a sense, I was there, because "good" stretches far beyond Portland, Oregon, or Waynesville, North Carolina, or her heart or mine. And that makes me so excited that I could "explode into glitter," right Stacie?
